Tuesday, April 7, 2009

A Bit of Friendly Advice For Sarah Palin

Dear Governor,

Since I'm one of those "Bored, anonymous, pathetic bloggers who lie", I doubt seriously that you'll heed my advice... but that minor detail that has never stopped me from the unsolicited dispensing of it anyway, so here goes:

Sarah, you need to become more centered and relaxed. Here's a suggestion:

Try some deep breathing exercises.
Sit down on the floor, either on your heels (after removing the your "Naughty Red Monkeys" of course) or, place your feet together in front of you, knees to the sides, hands resting lightly in your lap. Either position will work equally well.
Sit up straight, so your lungs won't be compressed.
Close your eyes, and breathe in deeply, through your nose. For a beginner, the inhalation should last 5-10 seconds.
Imagine the breath traveling upward, flowing through the top of your head, and then down into your core. Hold the breath for a few seconds, then expel it, slowly, through your mouth, as slowly as you can comfortably do so.
With each exhale, picture negativity and bad thoughts leaving your body. Empty your mind (which should be fairly easy for you, you're almost there anyway).
Keep up this breathing process and allow the peaceful feeling to pervade your body.
Are you relaxed and peaceful yet? Good.
Now - rise, and go look at the list of replacements for Senator Kim Elton, and think about this fact, in your new relaxed state: Accept that this is a pointless fight.
No matter who you appoint, if they aren't from the list proffered by the Juneau Democrats, in the next election, Beth Kerttula will beat them like a rented mule.
So, stop fighting. Accept the inevitable.
Withdraw the appointment of Joe Nelson, pick a replacement from one of the four people on the Dem's list, and move on.
You must learn to pick your battles, Governor. This one has all the makings of a Pyrrhic victory, so let it go.

On that note - when the media asks you about the latest hi-jinks involving your immediate family, your extended family, or about the supplier of genetic material for any of your offspring or offspring's offspring (or their family or extended family), refer to the above breathing exercise.

Take a deep breath, exhale, and give the following answer with a smile: "No Comment."
You'll be amazed at how free this will make you feel.

The recommended breathing exercise aids in concentration, too... so maybe it will help you focus on being Alaska's Governor, instead of a presidential candidate in 2012, or a favorite of the tabloid media.

Trust me on this.
You'll be happier, and Alaskans will be happier.